I have previously discussed how, for a variety of reasons, we don’t tend to buy our kids stuff. However, we do buy stuff for other people, particularly around the holidays. As I was doing my annual Christmas shopping (online and with pea mush in my hair, glamorous as always) for those I love, I started scrolling through the options the marketplace website, Uncommon Goods, had to offer. Now, don’t get me wrong. This site does offer gifts that are both whimsical and practical at the same time. There are some gems to be found.
But what irked me was the extensive list some editor had tailored as Fantastic Gifts for Moms! It made me question Uncommon Goods hiring practices because I am pretty sure the person they put in charge of making this list is not a mom, or at least not one that lives in the real world. I am thinking the person who made this list is a hip, 20-something fresh out of undergrad who goes to happy hour after work, has the whole world before her, and honestly thinks I have time to lie down and put stones on top of my face. And I am very jealous of her.
But jealousy has no place during the Christmas season. So I won’t be jealous. Instead, I will just make this very catty, passive aggressive list towards a site I actually think is adorable sometimes, when they are not being totally ridiculous.
Breakable Object With Pieces Of Paper, $32
For the mom who has lots of wishes but no hand blown glass jar in the color of her birthstone to put them in. For a thoughtful add on and an extra $35, Uncommon Goods will pre-break the glass for you, mail it to you in a dustbin, and write “I want a nap” on all 52 tiny slips of paper.
A Sign That Will In No Way Help You If You Lose Your Toddler At The Mall, $125-$200
Billed as a “charming way to keep [your family] all in one place,” this sign only becomes slightly useful in the event that we have a zombie apocalypse or an EMP goes off and you need to get to your prepper uncle’s house.
I Literally Can’t Think Of Anything To Get You, So Here, $135.00
There is an episode in show called Portlandia where everyone gave knots in glass jars as a housewarming present. This is like that, but in real life. As in, it’s not a joke. The second best thing about this sculpture is the comments. This gift has been recommended as something you can get people who are “Looking to Fill Space.” Nope, not space in their hearts, which could be filled with a heartwarming letter or space during their day, which could be filled with a lunch date. This is for the person who JUST WANTS MORE STUFF. Perfect!
Visual Reminder That Even Though Some Days You Feel Like You Might Just Be Hanging On By A Thread, You Literally Have People Hanging On To You For Their Every Need, So Hang In There, Okay? No, Literally Don’t Let Go Or Everyone Will Suffer. You Got This., $54-$78This is billed as a statement piece that is meant to “celebrate your unbreakable familial bond by linking mom with up to three children.” Notice the word unbreakable. Like, they are daring you to try. I had no idea Uncommon Goods had an opinion about the number of kids it thinks we should max out on. Sorry, Mom with more than 3, you are out of luck, unless your intention is to highlight your favorites. Also, for a more realistic portrayal, I suggest having all the children wrapped around your neck.
A Conflicting and Confusing But Beautiful Way To Illustrate That Love is Both Infinite Yet Can Be Accurately Confined To Cooking Measurements, $75
Are you looking for a way to spend $75 and take up some much-needed counter space in someone’s kitchen? Here is your answer. This set is intended to add a “personal touch” to a mom’s kitchen, which is just what she needs when she is up at 1am making last minute kale infused brownies for the school’s bake sale.
Moms, have you ever wanted to make lunchtime more fashionable and dangerous at the same time? For $35, you have your answer. Described as “virtually unbreakable,” I am tempted to give it to my 3 year old just to prove that isn’t true. For more insight on our breakfast routine, go here.
Make Yourself That Weird Neighbor, $98-$100
“Invite the calming principles of asana,” freak out your Homeowner’s Association and guarantee at least one hospital trip by placing these copper and pointy sculptures in your yard.
Take Something Really Convenient And Make It Inconvenient Again, $25
You know when, in the morning, after you’ve done your 5am journaling, groomed the dog, practiced outdoor yoga with your weirdo statues, taken a bath, made homemade pancakes, and there is still so much time to kill before you get the kids off to school? Now you can fill it by churning your own butter. This gift would pair nicely with galvanized washboard for those afternoons where you just don’t know what to do with yourself.
Thanks for reading! For more stuff I write, go to comomedy.com. Warning: not all of it is meant to be funny, so the site title is a bit misleading. Sorry bout that. Also, some stuff is meant to be funny but probably isn’t to you. Again, apologies.